Life Update

 Hi. It's been a while.


Things aren't going well now. I mean, my life has always been shitty lol but idk,,, today macam unbearable. Or probably because I've been bottling things up and keep telling myself that it's okay, I'm okay dan dia suddenly macam nak meletup.


I finally found a reason why the hell I'm so scared of graduating. Life after graduating is hella crazy kan? Okay la maybe some people graduate happily- dapat kerja- life jadi smooth af. But not me. Hahah. Probably because God hates me that's why I don't deserve happiness lol


I was unemployed for a few months after graduating. Life went downhill doh. Idk man, there's so much pain lah.. I keep praying for all of this to end, deep down hoping that someone will magically shows up and save me from all these sadness or pain or whatever I'm feeling.. I can't even describe it


Is this normal? Aku nak kena pergi jumpa therapist ke? Kadang aku wonder, if I were to go there, ada ke medications yang stops you from feeling numb? But I don't think my condition is bad pun. Sometimes aku rasa macam aku mengada je. Usually, I'd get better after crying... so yeah.


Some days are good, happy even... but some are just sad. Aku dah mula develop habit to hurt myself bila aku rasa macam things aren't going my way. Or bila aku rasa tak tenang hati. Somehow bila aku nampak luka dekat kulit aku, aku rasa tenang. Tenang ke? Entah la it feels nice to hurt physically, compared to emotionally. Hahah



Ohh and another update, I finally got a driving license. An auto one lah, I know.. loser gila kan ambik lesen auto. It costs a lot more than the manual one pula tu. Thank God I passed the JPJ test in one try. Tapi aku stuck dekat JPJ Litar motor hahaha. Aku dah pergi test 3 kali, semua gagal. Jatuh titi lah, langgar kon. Makin banyak fail makin pressure. Sekali repeat it costs RM 150. The third time I cried so hard after the test. I don't know lah is it because of the test or because I'm generally not okay masatu.


Around hujung bulan 11 aku start cari firm untuk chambering. I e-mailed my resume dekat almost 20 firms, went to 8-10 interviews... but none of it wants me. Haha. Bapak loser kan. I know.


Around the end of December I finally got a place. Itu pun jauh from my house. Commute plus minus 1 hour ++ lah kalau naik train. I mean, it's normal kan tempat kerja jauh dengan rumah? I decided to commute je instead of sewa rumah around the firm sebab it would save costs A LOT. Plus, I don't mind pun commute lelama naik public transport, bukan benda baru untuk aku.


I mean, beggars can't choose. Firm ni nak terima aku pun aku dah patut bersyukur. Layak ke aku nak komplain hahahahha


Cuma at times aku akan triggered bila nampak orang lain tak perlu bangun seawal 5:30am untuk ke kerja. Atau bila dorang takyah bawa laptop yang berat ke hulur ke hilir sebab dorang dapat komputer kat ofis. Atau bila tengok story kawan-kawan ada officemate sebaya yang sama-sama tengah chambering juga. Ahh entahla kalau nak mention one by one banyak je benda yang boleh triggered aku untuk fikir what gone wrong in my life? Is it because I'm not that smart comparing to everyone? Hahahah. Tapi most of the time aku rasa okay je.


But anyways, harini apa yang triggered aku untuk break adalah bila beg aku berat dan aku ada files yang banyak aku kena bawa + aku tak drive harini. Beg aku berat to the point where my back starting to hurt. Plus harini aku ada meeting, otak rasa macam nak meletup. I have a few works yang pending = stress. Campur campur, otak aku starts untuk ingat all the inconvenience happened in my life. So tiring... 


Anyways, aku harap aku di masa depan (yang dah happy) bila baca post ni would say "hey it will all get better. You just gotta be patient"


Okay bye aku nak sambung nangis before start buat kerja. I'll probably post about my experience first month as a chambee. We'll see.







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