the right time

Okay so these past few weeks, I've been thinking about this: love. It's annoying because it bothers me (sometimes) how am I such a loner, so- let's talk about this, shall we?

Twitter has been talking about love 24/7, people around me keep reminding me how I'm still single and such a loner, my few seniors keep stressing about how they are still single and stuffs and it affects me because.... I can relate :') and I've been discussing about 'love' with my friends, our thoughts, etc. So.....

I've been living for 20 years (and a few months heheh) and I have never been in a relationship. Dulu masa sekolah pun bila ada lelaki nak try aku, aku cam "hmm nope". Aku takda rasa nak bercinta kot masa tu, masa aku form one aku takde crush kat sesapa or even have any interest dekat lelaki pun, aku cam,, risau gak ah. Aku lesbian ke? HAHA

But later aku cam ada gak la minat. Fuh lega aku straight! Hahahha tapi zaman sekolah dulu aku ada this rule where I want to keep myself pure from all that love-thingy shit. Cam, aku tak nak couple, aku tak nak date, aku tak nak be one of the girls yang couple dengan mana-mana lelaki. I was known as 'che yang tak layan lelaki'. Okay korang boleh gelak skang hshshhshs

Okay, back to the point, bila aku masuk University, aku expect yang by my second year Degree aku dah ada boyfriend. Tu apa yang aku bayang masa aku first year first sem Degree la hahahaha. But, I don't know....

Masa aku first year second semester, ada la seorang ni dia confess yang dia suka aku. Kitorang baru kenal for like 2/3 weeks and he suddenly confessed. And sometimes he would said cringe-worthy things, cam "weh pulangkan balik hati aku yang kau curi" or "weh asal kau comel sangat" which makes me.... cringe troxxx. The problem is, he said it face to face and aku cam,,, dulu I used to think that it's cute when someone said something like that to a girl tapi when he did it to me, aku cam... Nope

Masa dia confess tu I don't really have anyone I like, tapi.... camne nak cakap eh? hmm we've only known each other for like, 3 weeks how can he say that he likes me??? You gotta get to know them first kan before you actually like him/her? But, but, he really is a good guy. Baru-baru ni je he called me, sebab dia nampak aku dekat bus stop. So he was like, "eh lama tak nampak kau. Kau sihat ke?" So,, yeah he's a good friend

I used to think that, if someone confesses, maybe I should just accept him and learn to love him. But, most of the time, if I don't like him then I don't like him. Am I choosy? I don't think so.... It's just that, you can't force me to love you. And when I like someone, I only want him, I don't look at any other guy, ever. I think that's my problem. And those who I like, never like me back. I don't have the courage to confess or even leave some hints showing that I like them. I'm such a coward, I fear rejection. I know :')

But when I think again, I'm not ready for any relationship. Aku takleh bagi commitment. Like, loving someone kan, being in a relationship, it's not something yang kau boleh ambik mudah. We're talking about people's heart right now. We're having a heart that we need to take care, kan? What if aku couple pastu aku takleh bagi commitment and in the end both got hurt.

Let's just say that I'm used to be single, no relationship commitment, living a free life, I can talk to anyone without anyone being jealous and stuffs kan. And to be honest, with my rollercoaster emotions, I don't think there's any guy in this world that can stand me. Cam, you get it? As a woman, I don't think I'm as good as the other women out there. Aku rasa macam, all men in this world they don't deserve me because they deserve better 😭

And some people stressed out kan, that they are still single when they're already 20+. Don't you think that because of that, their reasons to be in a relationship dah salah. Cam, you couple because everyone did, because you don't wanna be the only one yang single, because you're stressed out at the fact that you're still single, because you just want to have someone to care for you. That's unfair for the other person because you don't really love that person, you just want to be in a relationship. In the end, you'll get tired of that person and ended up breaking a heart. All because you don't really love that person in the first place. So, only get into a relationship when you are ready, when you're 1000%  sure that you love her/him.

So what I'm trying to say is, relax. Everyone lives with their own pace kan, don't mind the fact that you're still single. You have a lot other things you can focus on rather than love. The right person will come at the right time. Maybe at the time you're focusing on other things, love will come to you. Cehhhh hahahha

I'm saying this to myself as well. Because love is so complicated, aku rasa takut nak to be in love lol. So, let's just live our life happily. Siapa cakap hidup single tu sendu? Okay maybe sikit but come on it's not that bad. Being single means you're having more time to focus on yourself kot <3

p/s: aku senanya tengah convince myself to be relax and stop thinking about this. I have more other things to think about!!! So let's stop talking about this, shall we?