talk to Him

Before I start, here's a song you should listen to when you're down,,


So, basically, if you guys don't know, I actually have a curiouscat account where I made it for the sake of those who wanted to ask me something but were shy to do so (if there's any) or for those who have a crush on me (I believe there is none but hey whatever at least I'm giving him a platform to confess anonymously :p) and for my haters to send hate because I'm bored and I love entertaining them heheh

and then ada this one question yang hit me hard,, okay lah tak sangat but question yang dia bagi ni would (in a way) be related to today's post. Kinda. Or I hope so.




Well, to be honest, I don't' think I am someone yang hide their pain and stuff. Because most of the time when I go out, spending time with my friends, I forgot all the problems. It's not like I'm hiding it,  but I don't think about it. See the difference? I'd do everything to distract myself from everything yang bothers me. Because I overthink a lot, and it got worse when I'm alone. Probably that explains why I try to not let myself being alone. Being alone is depressing.


But at times, no matter how hard I try to distract myself, it still bothers me. So how do I cope with it? I would take a walk or cry. Ada masa it was too much, I tried to hold it, but it affects me physically. Jadi berdebar, susah nak bernafas, jantung macam nak meletop, etc. It hurts. Kadang benda tu datang masa aku tengah dekat public, so I would run and hide myself, and cry.


Back to the question, adakah aku suka pendam sorang-sorang? Well, it's not like I don't want to share what's bothering me, my problems, but the thing is,,, most of it is just small matters. Aku overthink. You get me? I would love to have someone to listen to my problems, but orang yang mendengar would probably laugh at me. Semua benda tu small matters je, aku tanak orang fikir yang aku ni suka besarkan benda kecil. Remeh. I've tried sharing my problems, lepas all those heart to heart talk, I would be awake at night. menyesal. Why did I tell her? Apa yang dia fikir agaknya lepas dengar cerita aku? Aku tak tenteram. So might as well keep it to myself.


But anyways, baru-baru ni, something happened. Usually, akan ada benci kecik jadi yang akan trigger aku untuk jadi sedih. So,, ada this one thing happened and I start to overthink. Bila kita overthink,, semua benda, segala masalah akan muncul kat fikiran kita. In case you don't know what it feels like to be an overthinker. So I was really really really sad masatu. I felt useless, I hate myself, I wanted to end my life but was afraid to do so. I took a few hours termenung, just... you know. Think. After a while I decided to sleep.


So I took a bath, ambil wudhu', bentang sejadah & pakai telekung. Sebab aku belum solat isya' lol. So here's what happened: the moment lepas aku angkat takbiratul ihram dan start baca doa iftitah, aku nangis. I don't know how to explain, air mata tu mengalir tanpa boleh dikawal. Rasa macam ada orang hug pastu cakap "it's okay. You'll get through it. Things will get better". At the same time, aku rasa ringan. Semua benda yang aku pendam, yang buat aku sedih dan runsing, slow slow hilang. Rasa macam aku tengah mengadu kat Allah, and He understands. Magically, lepas solat I feel a lot better. Takde dah overthink, semua tu benda kecil je dan bila aku fikir balik pasal benda yang buat aku sedih tu, it doesn't hurt anymore.


My point is, to those who are like me. Yang tak trust anyone, yang overthink, talk to Him. Because he understands. And trust me, you will feel better.





Friends,
It will be okay.
Stay strong!




p/s: Here's my curiouscat account, HMU if you're reading this hehe

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